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August 05, 2004I don't exist todayYeah, I wanna just hide up here in my room. I don't wanna go downstairs. I just want to stay up here and play. I know that if I open that door and walk downstairs, I am instantly vulnerable to anything and everything my dad wants me to do. I'm having a good morning so far, got to sleep in quite a bit. Cyndi didn't call me this morning, but I assume she is either asleep or had to go do something or couldn't get to a working phone(the phones at her house are all portable and don't seem to hold charge very long). But that's okay. I slept in. I think I had some good dreams. A nice change from last time I recall having dreams, when I knew they were all nightmares and I couldn't remember them... But that's what you get for reading the chapter on nighmares and night terrors in a psychology book, I guess... That and the beleif that you have been deprived of the deep sleep that makes night terrors easier to come about... Heh, beleif makes things real when it comes to the dreamworld. Blagh. Anyway, yeah, can't remember dreams right now. I need to stop getting so few hours sleep... Oh well. It happens. I seem to have a bug bite just under my jawbone on the far left side... and I am hungry. Blagh, I don't wanna go downstairs to eat, and I certainly don't want to eat these cookies for breakfast... But I really don't want them down there to make me work. And I really wouldn't be able to get myself to say "I'm not working today" just wouldn't work. At any rate... I seem to be relatively recharged today. All day yesterday, and really, it had been building up for awhile, I had the feeling of "I don't have the mental energy I need to keep fighting life." Now, this isn't suicidal, I just wanted to do something like I want to do today, and just take a break from everything. Not likely tho. Once I go down to eat breakfast, I am fair game for being asked to do work. And I can't avoid Cyndi, that just don't work. Blagh, I hope she has a good day. I'll be fine either way, I'm willing to be there for her anyway, but, really, I want a nice peaceful day. It's raining outside, and I will love that, as long as it doesn't mean more work. If I can, I think I am going to go sit on a scaffold out there a few levels up, and just lay there watching/listening to the rain... I like doing that. Ugh, my dad just called. He figured out I had to be awake. I told him I was hiding, he says that won't work. He knows where I live... Grr... He's gonna make me work. blah. Okay. Well. Yeah. I have to eat breakfast, and I have to do whatever my dad says to do. I'm sure he thinks it absurd that I want to hide all day. I'm sure he thinks that he gives me plenty of time to have breaks and rest, but when was the last day I didn't do anything? Erm... Not since the last week of school(besides my trips to Phoenix). And besides, after a week, I will have plenty of free time. Next tuesday, I don't have to do anything for him at all, so why would I be so bold as to want a whole day to myself this soon. It's not like I won't have nine months of break, going to school......... which is a whole entire other fucking subject. (In order to graduate on time, I have to get 10.5 credits this year, meaning 4.5 credits in correspondance... I'm so glad it wasn't the 7 I thought it was when I was too tired to subtract properly) Yeah, and he implys I am spending next summer up her. The twit, he thinks that after I am 18, he is going to have any control over me? Okay, I'll come up, but he is treating me like an adult, and he is fucking paying me. Yeah. I'm not doing this stupid slave work anymore. No. No. No. Heh, and I kinda wanna rant about Teel. Rather interesting to do on his own website. Maybe I should just put it on the end of this in my LiveJournal, and leave it out of here... Eh... Naw, I'll just put whatever I feel like putting. (all of this is in both) erm, yeah. He's being controlling about my computer. I have a good computer, and he wants to use it, and because he wants to use it, he doesn't want to share internet with it unless it is out in one of the common rooms. He says this is because I shouldn't have internet in my room 'till I am 18, but... that would mean that he cares if I look at porn, which I KNOW he doesn't. Besides, I have internet in my room right now, and nobody cares. He is just trying to keep my computer in a place that he will feel comfortable, and he is using the internet as the blackmail. Maybe he thinks I am too stupid to realise his intent. "I want to use your computer for this MMO that my computer is too old to play" "Oh, and by the way, you can't have internet in your room, in fact, I want to put your computer and Angelas on the same monitor and keyboard, and just have a switch between them" It's like he thinks I don't want to be able to USE my computer ever... fucking hell that's stupid... Anyway, I'm sure saying this will piss him off, I won't be suprised if I "accidentally" end up losing my account on ME. Thats okay, I have my LiveJournal. Biggest loss here would be losing my ability to have other stuff in my subdirectory. Anyway, time to go eat and work and other stuff, even tho I really fucking don't want to. I wish I could have a day off, but no. No. Not this close to him losing his slave. ^ the, erm, text... it's having fun, flying around.... It got bored of sitting still. Posted by Warpshadow at August 5, 2004 11:45 AM | TrackBack |
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Comments
How about I want you to sleep at night instead of staying up chatting all night? The 18 thing is that theoretically since you'll be an adult you can be trusted to make your own good choices, though I doubt a birthday is going to change anything for you. You have to fucking sleep at night and you have to pass your fucking classes and you have to do all that damned correspondence work, right? You can be sitting around chatting with your friends (and enemies) online all night, every night until who-knows-when in the morning. Porn? I don't care. Obviously. I'm practically a porn addict. That isn't the point. And wanting to use your computer IS a factor, and I'll admit that, but it isn't the primary one. As with anyone I care about, I want the best for you. I want you to succeed. I want to do whatever I can to help you to succeed, and while I can, I want to do whatever I can to force you to succeed. Do you homework! Get enough sleep that you can pay attention in your early classes! And so that you can feel better and not be so angty and/or depressed all the time! And then there's the whole issue of "privacy" which I don't believe in, and I don't support people wanting to have. If you want to do something and you feel like it should be kept a secret or done in the "privacy" of your room, youprobably shouldn't be doing it. Anything you do that you feel ashamed of in any way, anything you do that you don't want other people to know about, almost anything you do or want to do that you don't want to do right out in the open - you shouldn't be doing. Without religion, without laws, without a moral code, you inherently know right from wrong - just like every other being in the universe. Without anyone having to teach you, you know what things you should be doing and what things you want to do in secret - the ones you want to be doing in secret you shouldn't be doing at all. This applies to everyone. Everywhere. Not just you. So the question shouldn't be why I want your computer out in the open, but why YOU want your computer in private. What do you think you're doing in there that you can't do out here? Oh, and I think we determined to just move Angela's computer to the next room and put yours here on the desk. No need to switch it - that would mean Angela would never get to use her computer, since you go to school at the same times she works (and are off at the same times, of course). As far as deleting your blog/login, you're silly. I have never censored anyone on Modern Evil. The only times I've ever removed accounts were because either people asked me to, or after providing over a month's notice that inactive accounts would be removed, I removed inactive accounts and blogs. And your blog qualified as "inactive" according to even the loosest interpretation of my guidelines (5 posts in July) but I didn't delete it after speaking to you about it. In fact, the only time I can remember being upset with what someone was doing on Modern Evil was when one of my users was censoring people's comments. I don't like censoring on my site. So if you still don't understand why you can't have your computer in your room, let me know. Because you need to give a valid explanation as to why you SHOULD have your computer in your room. Posted by: Teel on August 5, 2004 12:28 PMI'm done. nothing is right. It's not like I have a chance of even passing those classes if I were to try anyway. I'm fucking pissed at you for this, and I know I don't have a right, but fuck... I'm done. Whatever, I'm done, I hate it, I hate everything, I'm so fucking done. Posted by: Warpshadow on August 5, 2004 04:11 PMApril - had a kid You don't really think I'm gonna change the family trend of failure do you? Damn, and I thought I could actually have a decent day. Fucking hell I was so fucking wrong. Posted by: Warpshadow on August 5, 2004 04:25 PMWhat do you mean "you're done"? Why do you think you couldn't pass the classes if you tried? The ONLY thing standing between you and passing your classes is YOU TRYING. If I'm upset right now it's because you assume you're destined to failure, when in fact you are only limted by your own choices. If you would choose to succeed, you would succeed. The same as every member of this family. A year before April went bankrupt she had all the information and knowledge and ability she needed to get her finances in order to avoid it, but at the time she decided (like you're doing now about school) that it's pointless, that she was destined to fail, and she did. She chose to fail, and she succeeded at what she chose to do. Angela knows that if she takes care of herself (goes to the doctor, the dentist, stays on her prescriptions, whatever) she'll feel better and be happier. But when she runs out of drugs, when she feels bad, when her teeth rot out of her head, she chooses not to do anything about it. She chooses to feel bad, to over-react, to let her teeth rot away, and she succeeds at what she chooses to do. I wish anyone, anyone in the world, ever, would give me some sort of explanation with examples of why they think I'm "manipulative". Every time someone tells me I'm manipulative I ask them to explain with examples so I can try to change my behaviour or at least change that perception, but so far zero people have been able to come up with concrete examples. If that's all that's wrong with me, I'm more successful than I'd hoped. As far as I know I'm up front about things. Like with the computer situation; I never denied or hid any of the reasons I don't want it in your room, to anyone. I don't want you up all night because I don't like to see you fail at school and feel bad, I don't believe in privacy, and I'd like to use it once in a while. You lived with me for six months; how often did I use your computer? What? I played through URU once. If you think this is all about that, you're fooling yourself. I've been playing Second Life on my computer about every other day; if I have to keep on doing it here, it'll just motivate me to get a new computer earlier than I'd been planning to. I still haven't heard even a weak explanation as to why you "can't" pass your classes, or why you want your computer in your room. You can succeed at anything you choose to apply yourself fully to. It's a fact. The only thing about yourself you cannot change is the past; everything else is mutable, including "failure" and "success" and even "happiness". What do you want to choose? Posted by: Teel on August 5, 2004 04:47 PMI think that one of the biggest struggles in this family is one of control. I see Heath wanting to control his own choices and because he feels that his life is not in his control he is making poor choices with what he can decide. I think that he is rebelling by flunking out of school, not taking care of his health, etc. I think that he doesn't know how to trust his own instincts and that leads to confusion. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants out of life and therefore does nothing. I have been in a similar position my whole life. I also think that the reason we as a family are generally unhappy and unsuccessful is because we hate ourselves. For individual reasons that have manifested in seemingly unique ways it all comes down to our self hatred and mistrust. I am not sure why Teel believes that I had all of the information and resources I needed to avoid bankruptcy the year prior. Either he is privy to information that he believes that I also possesed, he remembers things differently or is just misinformed. I am also not unsuccessful and unhappy because I had a kid. I made choices throughout my life that I am now realizing were misguided, mostly because I didn't trust my own instincts and never really figured out how I am or what I really want. I always second guess myself and seek other's opinions because I was so detached from myself that I had no idea how to figure it on my own. I am very good at taking surveys though. We can each see our own and each other's flaws and misguided view points, but more important are the reasons that are buried pretty deep within and it is up to each of us to figure that out for ourselves. I hope that Heath figures out enough about himself and learns to love himself before he finds life leading him in a direction that he doesn't want to go, as I have. While having a kid alone was not the downfall of my life, (that happened many many years before my child was concieved), I had no direction so I went wherever I was lead, and the leader most often was not the Holy Spirit in my heart or my own direct intentions. I can argue what I did or did not know about choices that have governed my life thus far, but I feel it's a moot point right now as those are all surface reasonings that may or may not be accurate since any other scenario is not what occured so it would be conjecture. More importantly is my current search for who I am and what I want and learning to live an authentic life so that I will make the right choices for me, ones that I can live with and enjoy and not ones that I think will make someone else happy or that I "should" do. I will decide what I "should" do. As far as the computer in the room I think that it is a control issue. Heath has had a computer with internet in his room for nearly 2 years now and to take that away might feel like a punishment. If he doesn't feel in control of his life adding one more thing that is out of his control will not help alleviate that. Nagging him, arguing with him over the surface issues has not gotten any of us very far with him, so maybe another approach would be more prudent? We all need a level of privacy that is acceptable to us. Some people need a lot, others a little, but that is a personality trait and not always a disorder. I remember spending many hours talking on the phone, listening to music, painting, etc. in my room alone. I was not disturbed, my privacy was respected (unless Mom thought I was hiding something or I had a boy in the room) and I had my little corner of the world to retreat to. This was important to me. Maybe it wasn't to you, but maybe it is also to Heath. Now people chat online more instead of the phone, or paint online, listen to music, so the computer with internet is important to his little piece of the world. I just wanted to add my little thoughts to one point. I agree with Teels statement about privacy. Anything you do that you don't want other people to know about needs to be re-thought. Maybe if you think no one else needs to know it's because what you're doing is wrong. On the other hand, I don't really want to go take a crap in the parking lot (or in your living room) where everyone can peek, and I generally prefer to spend my time alone because other people annoy me. It's not unreasonable for someone under 18 to share the same sentiment. Did you all raise Heath to make good decisions? Do you trust him? If the only concern you have about his computer being in the bedroom is his staying up late, can you make a rule about it? If he violates that rule you can move the computer then. Heath, do you make good decisions? Have you given your family a reason to trust you and give you freedom? Are you willing to come to some kind of compromise to get what you want while still allowing your family have a part in taking care of you and raising you to be a good person? I just read a good article about relationships. It said the key is to forget who's winning or losing. Completely put aside your desires, goals and adgendas for a few minutes, and just try to understand exactly what the other person is feeling. If you are too busy winning, you really lose in the end (Teel, you taught me that a long time ago, yourself). Posted by: Marie on August 9, 2004 12:59 AMI talked to Teel and part of the conflict came from miss communication. Part came from Teel wanting the best for his brother and trying to help him by arangeing parts of Heaths living situation to try and help Heath avoid some of the temtations that waste time. Heath has a lot of work to do to reach his goal of graduating high school this school year. All of Heaths family wants him too succeed. We all want to help him any way we can. I reminded Teel that his parents philosophy was/is too teach our children too be responsible decision makers by giving them more and more resposlibiliy in there lives and letting them experience the concequences of their decisions. I can't say this has allways worked but I think it has helped our children be better decision making adults. Teel understands this is what I have been doing with Heath for the last 2 years and that in just a few months Heath will be 18 and legally considered an adult. He will be free to make what ever decisions he wants without my, or the rest of his families, interference. Heath's computer is in his room and I made sure he has a portable phone so he can talk to his (girl)friends in private. I have noticed that all my teanage children left the room I was in when talking on the phone. I am sure that Teel wants to get along with and help his brother and sisters. We all have our own pecular ways and sometimes we all are misunderstood. Anyway, Heath got what he wanted and hopefully Teel, and the rest of us, will get what we want out of this which is Heaths successfull graduation next June. 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